Bad flashbacks
As you all know, Jarod has become a new Buddy and is trying to lose some weight, we have decided to do this together.
rn
While I am excited by this, I was not prepared for the opening of the emotional floodgates I am currently experiencing.
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You see, I have always been overweight. I was bribed, companioned, comforted, and rewarded with food as a child and then the next moment berated for eating it and gaining weight.
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I was on the recieving end of some extremely hurtful comments from family members as a child, prodominantly, but not exclusively, from my father.
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One of the many that sticks out in my mind was as I was walking out the door to go to the prom after taking pictures at his home. He pulled me aside and leaned in to say something quietly to me. Like a fool I thought he was going to say something nice or of the parental advise nature….big mistake.
rn
He whispered in my ear, ” There is nothing funnier than a fat girl trying to look sexy. “ I think that pretty much sums it all up.
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Years ago he claimed that while he was wrong in his approach, he was trying to motivate me to lose the weight.
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I would sooner cut my tounge out than speak to either of my children like that, so the concept of that escapes me.
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While everyone told me to lose weight, no one taught me how. While they berated me, they still fed me….and so on and so on.
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So as I explain food labels and calories to my son, I can’t help but wonder why no one ever did it for me. It seems so simple. No one would hand a child a copy of War and Peace and demand that they read it without teaching them the alphabet first right?
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Is it crazy that I find myself in the deep recesses of my mind jealous of Jarod and Logan’s childhood?
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I am grateful for the perspective given to me by my experiences, and my ability to properly parent my children because of it. However, I still become enraged at the memories and astounded at the ability my parents had to go against the most natural instinct to protect and love their child unconditionally.
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I know this all must sound extremely childish and at my age I should be over this by now.
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All of this just crept up and smacked me in the face the other day when the ice cream truck was crusing through the neighborhood.
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Jarod and Logan heard the music and went running to the jar of coins we keep on the counter for just this occasion. Half way out the door Jarod just stopped and said, ” I guess I can’t have ice cream truck anymore huh? “
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I told him that of course he could, he just needed to pick one of the low fat sherbert things (Ninja Turtle or Vader heads) over the gooey chocolate things, and save it until later (he had just eaten).
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He was excited and sprinted out the door. That’s when it hit me, in my house growing up that conversation would have gone a whole other dircetion. Starting with ‘ So this is how you think you’re going to lose weight? ‘ and ending in tears.
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I am so sorry. No one ever has the right to speak to you the way that your father did. He reminds me a bit of my own father, mine also took the wrong approach in trying to get me in shape for sports (pushing me a little too much but still feeding me ice cream which made no sense…) so I completely understand why it’s so hard for you to let go of memories like that and it’s not at all childish. Your feelings are always valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. A big struggle for me, that I don’t know if your also dealing with, was that my father was a kind of roadblock to my success. I hated when he brought up that I needed to drop a few pounds so as a sort of timid rebellion I would eat more just to spite him, even though deep down I did want to lose weight. I later realized that I didn’t want to lose weight for him, but rather for myself, and that no one could motivate me unless they were a) me or b) going through the same thing that I was and completely nonjudgemental of my situation. I think youre taking the right approach with your kids. You’re giving them healthy values, while not being too restrictive. I admire your ability to deal with the past and using it to know what not to do in the future.
Best of luck with your weight loss!
I am extremely upset by the way that your parents, exspecially your father had treated you. I too was never taught how to eat right, how to lose weight, just that I needed to do this. (by the way, I still don’t know how to eat right or healthy) But I was never critisized about it to the extent that you recieved. You have given me inspiration to learn and to teach my own children about healthy eating and right choices. I loved the way you handled Jarod’s question by explaining that he just ate so he could eat it later and that he could have something healthier (to a degree, lol) and still enjoy it. Please let me know how you learned to choose right and healthy foods.
Jen
I understand where you are coming from. I was there myself. I didn’t get the spiteful remarks from my parents, but close enough. And I did get them from other family members.
Girlfriend, you are to be commended. You have turned out to be an extraordinary parent, in spite of the example you were given. Most people, under the tutelage you received, would have raised their children in the way they themselves were raised. Not you. You are raising your children the right way. More and more, you are becoming a shining example of what parenting is all about.
Just remember…you are a great example to your son, and to all of us. What was said and done to you in the past is exactly that…the past. But it’s not childish to bring it up if it is something that will help you or the people you confide in. And believe me, it is helpful.
Thank you!!!!!!!
I am so happy your teaching your kids about self-esteem and food. They don’t go hand in hand which many parents DO mix together. I hate it when parents reward their kids with food, or if a child is misbehaving and the parents will offer a treat after if they be good. All starts right there for future problems. You are breaking the cycle Erika, so sorry what your Dad said, I couldn’t imagine the hurt those words caused.
I am an emotional eater so I’m really aware of the fact. When my kids are finished eating, I always say “Are you full?”…this inputs in their mind of actual fullness in their stomachs. I ask them if they’re hungry as well. I don’t give my kids food for good behaviour, or to calm them down if fussy. They’ll grow up to see food is food, eat to live. Parents use food in today’s society for “babysitting” so to speak. You see these 60 lb toddlers on tv shows and the Mothers are in denial that they’re not doing anything wrong. Yet look what these kids eat in a day? There is no way I will put future health problems on my children, I will work hard to teach them about nutrition, fitness, self respect, and most importantly to love their body and self.
i totally understand where you are comming from because my childhood was similar and now with my kids i really watch the snacks and everything with them and my husband gets upset and i told him you have been skinny all your life i havent and ill be damned if my kids are gonna get made fun of like i did thats why i watch what they eat and after he has heard some of the crap i have gotten from family and close friends now he knows why and is reallt helping me out hope everything goes well for you and your family and tell jarod good luck !!!
mandy
I’m so angered over your father’s comment to you and his approach to “helping” you. I don’t understand how something so hurtful could be meant to help but that’s his perception of things. First, don’t ever feel you can’t feel a certain way because of your childhood. When I went to my therapist, he traced most of my current issues to experiences I had in my childhood. Those are the things that shape us and form the basis for most of our negative fears and insecurities. It’s vital to recognize them, like you’re doing, so you can become aware and move on, but you shouldn’t apologize for that. Once you’ve recognized this, as the adult you now are, you can reason with yourself and modify your behavior accordingly which is EXACTLY what you are doing in being the mother you are to Jarod and Logan. It’s also understandable to be a little jelous of their childhood. It would have been great to be educated in weight loss and supported but you didn’t get that. Now you’re doing it for your children and I think it’s natural to feel like you were jipped since you are teaching your children these lessons before they even hit pre-puberty while you’re kind of learning right along with them. Why deny this natural emotion as well??? Everything you feel is perfectly valid. You’re such a wonderful mother Erika, like Shannon said, you’re breaking the cycle. Keep talking to us about this surge of emotions Erika….we’re all here for you.
I just can’t believe you father could have been this cruel to you, what a selfish man. Even his interpretation of those words later on speaks only of his need to justify his behaviour. I guess that it was exactly living around such a selfish person that made you be that much more aware of the true value of consideration. You came out as a wonderful person, so try keep this in your memory. You kids have a wonderful mum.
Hi Erika,
My parents and family also made hurtful comments about my size to me, my Mom still does and about the size of my girls. While it hurts terribly I do not think that they knew that it did. (Dad called me a “linebacker for the green bay packers” and such) They thought it was motivation, and I tell myself that it was a misguided attempt to help and was done out of love and desire to create change. Maybe I am so nuts that I think of it that way or maybe it is my own way of trying to cope. (gotta go move carpet!)
You are doing an awesome job as a parent, and instead of raising your boys how you were raised you have broken the cycle and become a wonderful parent. The jealousy is only natural, thinking back and wishing you had been raised the way you are doing it. I have been overweight most of my life, I was never treated badly because of my weight. I was never taught the right way to eat, both of my parents were overweight themselves and I am sure did not know how. I do have other issues with things growing up though and I sometimes still have a hard time with these issues.
Have a great day!
Erika, my friend, you are doing a great job with your children. I understand where you are coming from, I didn’t receive the cruel comments from my immediate family members, but rather other people around me…I was given all kinds of grief when I was very young because I was too thin. Then I changed schools, etc., I gained a bunch of weight very quickly. Children can be cruel and they were cruel to me. I was always the “fat” girl. I still have self esteem issues because of it. My future husband loves me in spite of all my flaws and insecurities. He’s one of the few people that saw the “me” that no one else could see. I didn’t realize until earlier that it is because of his ability to love me despite all my flaws and insecurities that made me realize that I could take on this journey again and I could win and be a healthier me. I am proud to be your buddy and am very proud of you for your efforts with your Jarod (can’t remember if I told you, but I have a Jarrod too) and Logan. You are teaching them far more than you realize…not just about food, but about respecting others too despite any and all of their flaws.
I know sometimes it can be so very hard when all those things come flooding back to you…but you have all your buddies here and we will be here and support you when you need us to help you through. You have moved forward in spite of the horrible things that were said and done to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way…I’m glad you can see that and change the way you handle those things with your babies.
Take care, Erika!
Tracey
You are breaking that cycle. You are giving and loving unconditionally. You will raise children with high self-esteem. You may not have gotten that, but find comfort in the fact that you can give it.
I wish I could speak from the heart the way you do. After reading all the comments, every one has said the things I am feeling for you. How can a parent say things that will hurt you forever? My sister and I still discuss our father’s comments, but we have forgiven him [mostly] and decided he must have been so unhappy himself he lashed out at us. We became friends at the last of his life and became his caregivers. Love to you.
You are a wonderful mother and should be proud that you are raising your children in such a loving family. It is good that you are learning from your fathers mistakes, although it is sad that you had to deal with that behavior from a parent as a child.
I had a cruel mother and often find that I have little flashbacks about her when I do things with my son, especially about how she would have done them in a compeletely different way.
Hopefully it will just remind you of what a great job you really are doing.
No it is not crazy and no you are not childish for feeling these things. What your father said to you was hurtful and unnecessary, you have clearly grown and learnt form his mistakes and that makes you a wonderful mum.