Erika

As you all know, Jarod has become a new Buddy and is trying to lose some weight, we have decided to do this together.

While I am excited by this, I was not prepared for the opening of the emotional floodgates I am currently experiencing.

You see, I have always been overweight. I was bribed, companioned, comforted, and rewarded with food as a child and then the next moment berated for eating it and gaining weight.

I was on the recieving end of some extremely hurtful comments from family members as a child, prodominantly, but not exclusively, from my father.

One of the many that sticks out in my mind was as I was walking out the door to go to the prom after taking pictures at his home. He pulled me aside and leaned in to say something quietly to me. Like a fool I thought he was going to say something nice or of the parental advise nature….big mistake.

He whispered in my ear, ” There is nothing funnier than a fat girl trying to look sexy. “  I think that pretty much sums it all up.

Years ago he claimed that while he was wrong in his approach, he was trying to motivate me to lose the weight.

I would sooner cut my tounge out than speak to either of my children like that, so the concept of that escapes me.

While everyone told me to lose weight, no one taught me how. While they berated me, they still fed me….and so on and so on.

So as I explain food labels and calories to my son, I can’t help but wonder why no one ever did it for me. It seems so simple. No one would hand a child a copy of War and Peace and demand that they read it without teaching them the alphabet first right?

Is it crazy that I find myself in the deep recesses of my mind jealous of Jarod and Logan’s childhood?

I am grateful for the perspective given to me by my experiences, and my ability to properly parent my children because of it. However, I still become enraged at the memories and astounded at the ability my parents had to go against the most natural instinct to protect and love their child unconditionally.

I know this all must sound extremely childish and at my age I should be over this by now.

All of this just crept up and smacked me in the face the other day when the ice cream truck was crusing through the neighborhood.

Jarod and Logan heard the music and went running to the jar of coins we keep on the counter for just this occasion. Half way out the door Jarod just stopped and said, ” I guess I can’t have ice cream truck anymore huh? “

I told him that of course he could, he just needed to pick one of the low fat sherbert things (Ninja Turtle or Vader heads) over the gooey chocolate things, and save it until later (he had just eaten).

He was excited and sprinted out the door. That’s when it hit me, in my house growing up that conversation would have gone a whole other dircetion. Starting with ‘ So this is how you think you’re going to lose weight? ‘ and ending in tears.

It’s official, Jarod has pnuemonia again. We spent the better part of the morning at the hospital waiting for a chest x-ray to confirm the doctor’s suspicion. He started a pretty powerful antobiotic that is already doing a number on his stomach.

The baby was throwing up yesterday ( all over my steps and himself ), so it looks like we are in for another round of sickness for everybody. Have I mentioned how tired of this I am? So Jarod will be out of school for the rest of the week, he has missed so much school this year, thank God he’s as smart as he is or he would be way behind. A friend’s bringing his homework for him this afternoon, I know it will be a huge stack….poor Jarod.

That’s about all that is going on here. I’m making myself a huge pot of split pea soup, there’s about 50 calories in a gallon of it, so I can eat as much of it as I want. It’s actually very healthy, equal amounts of protien, carbs, and fiber. I love it, especially with a lot of pepper.

I’m really hoping to see another 3 pound loss this week, I figured that if I can keep that up, I’ll have that 10 non-smoking pounds off by the end of the month. I really need to see a new loss in April, not the re-loss of weight re-gained. I bought myself a case of the flavored water I love from Wal-Mart, so I am officially hydrated.

Well I’m off to read some blogs and make Jello for Jarod.

So we are standing at the bus stop this morning and Jarod turns to me and says, “ I am really in the mood for one of your great rib dinners Mom, with the little baby potatoes OK? “  To which all the other kids give a collective ” Yeah ! “  ( Everybody eats here Monday nights )  I agree and the bus pulls up. Jarod, as he is half way on the bus, stops and runs back to me. Here I am very flattered thinking that I was going to get a hug in front of all of his friends… I was wrong. What did my little man want? He runs up to me, puts his hand on my arm and says, ” Don’t forget the cornbread.”

My boys are as bad as their father.

 I start to broil the ribs before putting them in the crockpot, like I do every other time I make them. For whatever reason one of those mothers caught fire in the oven. My house filled up with smoke like you would not believe. Every smoke detector was screaming, Logan’s crying, the baby is freaking out, and I’m running around like a fool trying to open every available window and door while wildly waving a dish towel around the detectors.

My house still smells like a BBQ pit and is still smokey. It’s also freezing in here, as all the windows are still wide open. Luckily I had more ribs in the deep freeze, I wouldn’t want to run the risk of those hungry children staging a riot.

I did really well yesterday, I stayed under 1200 calories, only had 3 cigarettes, and did 30 min of toning. I already got a good walk in today, I had some errands to run in town so we walked. By the time we got home my pedometer was over 5000 steps, so that’s a good start.

If I decide that I can be trusted to not burn the house down, I’m off to bake his magesty his corn bread. You know I don’t know where my family got the idea that they should get good home cooked meals every night and then have the nerve to ask for dessert.

I am starting over yet again. I weighed myself this morning and I have gained 10 lbs. I actually expected it to be a bit worse than that, I guess having that flu helped out.

I am so angry, disappointed, depressed, ect.  I know that the gain came from my struggle with not smoking. I have gone from an average of a  pack and a half a day to less than five a day. Yesterday I had only two. I also have all but quit drinking as well.

 In the evening I would usually have a couple glasses of wine or cocktails. I noticed that after a glass or two of wine I wasn’t hungry, so eating wasn’t an issue for me in the evening. Boy has that changed!

 I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression here, drinking was never a problem for me. I know that, because not having that wine in the evening is as easy as not having brussel sprouts, it’s not something I sit and think about…unlike the cigarettes. I just figured that it was extra calories that I didn’t need so I cut it out.

So I am writing this 10 lbs heavier and I can feel it. Actually, I haven’t felt well in about a month. Between fighting every germ and virus known to man, withdrawl from nicotine, eating garbage, and now carring that added weight, I feel like crap.

The low carb thing is no longer working for me. My body is actually craving fruit and milk, and my energy is in the toilet. So I’m thinking that a low fat, low calorie thing might be in order. Maybe I’ll give that whole ‘points’ deal a shot, although I’m not quite sure what that is.

So I reset my ticker ( man that pissed me off ), and I am back to weighing in weekly. I have exactly one month until Jarod’s big party. My first goal is to stay on my diet until then, no brakes, no cheats. My second is to do some form of exercise 5 days a week, without fail.

Here we go again, wish me luck Buddies.

The kids and I were watching Sesame Street yesterday morning, when out of nowhere my heart started racing so fast I thought I was dying. I was shaking and sweating and almost passed out. I had chest pain and I was hyperventilating as well, so I called myself an ambulance.

They came and gave me oxygen and did a portable EKG, they said other than my heart beating fast, nothing was wrong. And called it an anxiety/panic attack. This has never happened to me before. I use to get heart palpatations a lot last year, I cut out all caffiene, and salt, and they went almost completely away. Except for the week before TOM. The doctor’s have run all sorts of tests and again say that nothing is wrong. That some people have them.

Yesterday scared the hell out of me, I did some research and found the alcohol and smoking can aggravate anxiety as well. So….no more drinking ( not that big of a deal, less calories for me ) As I write this I am now going on my 23 hr with out a cigarette. I may have to kill someone soon. Wish me luck Buddies.