Erika

Well I am 2 for 2! I decided to hit that damned treadmill everyday between yesterday and the 23rd. I know it doesn’t sound like much to those who exercise daily, but for me it is a struggle.

Not the struggle of the actual movement, but a struggle to force myself to start. Besides the upcoming deposition, I have a little extra motivation because of the location of the treadmill. I have it set up in Ethan’s office on the 3rd floor of our home.

It gets insanely hot up there by mid afternoon, we have central air but I may have to break down and get a window unit for that room. Anyway, it will really force me to move my butt up there by 10am everyday. It’s either that or a possible heat stroke.

It may sound silly to some, but being able to walk into that conference room and square off with the lawyers knowing I already have a personal victory under my belt will be invaluable to my sanity and confidence.

I’m off to make myself a nice low carb lunch, and then I am back to working on that damned bathroom. Hopefully I will be grouting this time tomorrow. This project is taking to freaking long, being that the majority of the work has to wait until the weekends when Ethan can help me and the kids aren’t dancing around the power tools.

Be well Buddies!

Despite my plan to make it an early night, I was up late again lastnight and found myself getting sucked into a documentary on the Discovery Channel. It was the story of a woman named Kathy who at 350+ lbs made the decision to have gastric bypass.

They showed her life before surgery, very limited mobility and a variety of health problems. Then came the shot of her 6 months post op. I was floored at how thin and healthy she looked. How she was walking and exercising with ease, mostly how happy she seemed. She looked alive and vibrant again, and for a brief moment I started to question whether or not I should consider the surgery myself.

That thought came to a screeching halt when they showed her being weighed. Her incredible weight loss, that I was so jealous of, put her at only 10 lbs less than I am right now. I listened to her talk about how  she can work out and move through the world feeling confident now, how she never thought that she would see her current number on that scale. Holy reality check BatMan!

Everything is relative my friends, everything. Here I am sitting in, and disliking, the same body she was so happy to finally be in. Here I am feeling limited and confined by the same body she feels liberated and unstoppable in. So my excuse for not working to my fullest potential would be what?

Seeing someone who needed to sit to wash dishes, needed to take a break from walking to the mailbox, who couldn’t run and play with her son, and seeing the pain and dispair of it all on her face moved me. Then to see her being able to do all of those things with ease, like I can, and being so very grateful for it inspired me. Talk about perspective.

So I write this today with a new found sense of motivation and drive to succeed. A new appreciation of the fact that I have yet to become disabled by my weight, and the gratitude that I have the ability to do better. Hopefully Kathy’s story will give that to you all as well.

So the New Year is quickly approaching, and I find myself feeling a little melincholy this morning.

2007 will be a year of changes for me. As all of you know, my entire life revolves around my family and the children entrusted to me by our neighbors. It has been quite some time since I have had something of my very own, and in 2 weeks I will start singing in that choir I told you about.

It’s only one evening a week for a few hours but it will be my time to just be Erika, not someone’s wife, mother, daughter, sister, neighbor, caregiver, ect…while I am very excited, I am a little scared. I know that I will be one of the featured soloists, I’m not trying to sound egotistical, I just know that I will be. I used to sing for the director and he knows what I can do. I’m just not used to being in the limelight anymore, my job now is creating the oppertunities for other people to shine.

Logan will be starting school this year ( not until Sept ) and that will give me the chance to go back to school myself and finish my degree in psych/social work. That also is very exciting but scary.

 This will also be the year that I turn 35. There is just something about that number that excites me, I guess I see it as officially being a grown up, a woman.

I have decided to start squirrling away money to suprise my family with a little weekend vacation to Seven Springs this summer. It’s predominantly a ski resort, but in the summer they have the pool, a slamming game room, live bands at the outside bars, and the Alpine Slide. Which is kind of like a sled on a track that winds it’s way down the ski slopes. The kids love it there, and this year I want to ride the slide with them. The truth of the matter is that I could have riden it the last time we were there, but fear of looking silly kept me from doing so.

So my main goal this year Buddies is to be under 200lbs for the first time in my adult life. I really don’t care if that number is 199.999, but I need to see that happen before my birthday in the end of August. That means that I will need to lose a little under 8 lbs a month until then.

Finally I need to quit smoking. I now smoke a pack a day.( outside, we do not smoke near the kids) Not only is it important for my health, but the amount of money Ethan and I spend on cigarettes is staggering. He also smokes a pack a day, so between the 2 of us, that’s $10 a day…$300 a month…$3600 a year…that’s a car payment!  So perhaps I will be able to use that vacation as a motivation to quit, I’ve decided that I am going to give it a shot starting Feb 1st. If I put away all the money I would have spent smoking towards our vacation, by August I will have $1050, more than enough!

Here’s to a great New Year Buddies!  Oh, and if you thaink I cranky during carb withdrawl…just wait until Feb.

Hello buddies! The site let me log in with ease this morning, so that’s the good news, very happy about that. My home page says I am listed as female, let’s see if that works.

The bad news…I weighed myself this morning, and I’ve gained 9 lbs. I basically had been eating like a lunitic all last week. I know that a few of those are probably water retention from all the carbs, but at least 5lbs of it are real. I could just kill myself, well not kill myself…maybe just some well deserved flogging. I’m back on my diet plan as of yesterday, and I plan to workout this morning with the toning tape.

I have a brand new motivation now, I ran into my old music director from high school. He’s now working for the Community College, and is setting up a music program there. He’s also starting up a         ” Community Choir” and a jazz ensemble open to the public, and he asked me to join. I used to sing lead for him in both of those in school. I am really excited to get back on stage, I love performing.

Rehersals start in about 6 weeks, so hopefully I can get this 9lbs plus another 10 gone by then. I’d assume that we’d have another 2 months or so before our first performance, so my goal is to be 40lbs lighter when I take the stage for the first time in years.

I’m hoping that I’m able to get into all your blogs now, be well buddies.

Oh buddies, I am having a moment.. I am sitting here watching my 3 guys playing with a Matchbox race track set and watching the Steelers game, having the time of their lives, only to be interupted by an impromtu tickle fight. It is such a full circle moment for me. All the Christmas lights are lit, as well as the pumpkin pie scented candles and it is so very Norman Rockwell-esque I could cry.

I came from a very broken family, full of hatred and abuse. I know that it was directly related to my weight problem and subsequent food issues. So here I sit watching my children play with their Dad, and I am truly moved to tears. But tonight I sit here as a woman on a mission, a mission of health and happiness I can call my own, but one that will directly benifit those 3 wonderful goof-balls in the next room.

Ethan came upstairs while I was on the treadmill and tacked up a picture of the three of them at eye level today , he just simply said, ” just in case you need a little more motivation “. I am feeling such a sense of peace, contentment and love tonight. I just had to share it.

Well buddies, I am happy to report that I survived the day of baking and candy making without incident or so much as a taste. I have to admit that looking at all those cookies, with out a bite made me a tad bit… what’s the word I’m looking for….bitchy.  So instead of partaking in the confectionary treats I had a couple vodka tonics, and I’m felling just fine.. thank you very much.

All kidding aside, my oldest Jarod, was helping me in the kitchen this evening and said, ” Mom, you and Dad really do go all out for our birthdays, nobody else’s Mom does what you do. ” Fighting back the tears I asked him why he thought that was. His response…” Because you love us, and want our childhoods’ to be better than yours.”

As we were having that conversation, I was looking at a pot of extra melted chocolate, and decided to make the kids Rocky Road Bark ( just a pan of melted chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts that you break into pieces after it’s cooled), thinking a few bites wouldn’t hurt. Let me tell you, looking into that boy’s face hearing what he had just said to me…is there any better motivation to keep on track than that?