Erika

Hello all, for those who remember me…I’ve missed you all terribly…for those who don’t, ” Hi my name is Erika and I am a bad Buddy. ”

Life has been…well, to say the least trying lately.

My job is going very well and I love it, the problem is that I have been given a taste of what my life was before I became a stay-at-home-mom and wife 8 years ago. at it has taken a serious toll on my marriage. So much so that Ethan and I are talking about a seperation.

Well I’m talking about it, Ethan is walking around looking like he has been hit by a truck.

He is a wonderful man, an incredible father, he is faithful, responsible, and all around good guy…it’s me. I need more.

Being out in the real world again has forced me to rediscover that person that I have supressed for so many years.

I can tell you the precise moment it happened. About 100 years ago I was known by my nickname….”E”

Just E, that’s what they called me. So one night I was behind the bar at work and one of the customers asked me my name. I told him Erika, and he said I think I’ll call you E.

My friends who I work for bursted out laughing and said that everyone used to call me that, within days that was how I was known by everyone, and I was left thinking….I remember that person…I miss her.

So that’s where I am, and that’s what I’m doing…trying to find my way to wherever I am supposed to be, and who I am becoming…or should I say rediscovering.

I can not believe it has been over 10 days since I have written here. God Buddies, life has been crazy.

Please forgive my typing errors, Ethan has again destroyed the keyboard by pounding on it, and a lot of the keys are sticking.

I haven’t weighed myself since my last post, the PMS monster is here and I am so bloated I don’t even want to look at the scale.

Work has been insane but fun, tonight is our 1st Karaoke night, and I will be front and center. I’m a little nervous, but very excited.

Logan’s birthday party was this past Sat. It was a smashing success! He chose a carnival theme this year, and I build red and white striped tents in the living and dining rooms.

We played all the standard carnival games….the duck and fishing ponds, darts thrown at a board full of balloons, a colored roulette wheel, bouncing ping-pong balls into floating cups…..etc.

We had a tons of prizes for the kids, along with candy apples, cotton candy, and boxes of caramel corn. My mother painted a big board with a picture of a clown with the face cut out so the kids could get pictures taken, and then my brother stuck his face through it and we through pies at him.

My favorite moment though was when the ice cream truck came around the corner at exactly 2pm playing Happy Birthday just like we planned. Yes, I hired the ice cream truck! It was so funny, the kids (all 24 of them) went nuts when they saw and heard the truck. Then they all stampeeded into the house screaming “We need money!”

You should have seen their faces when they realized that it was free…..well free for them.

I caught one of the Dads on the cell phone in my laundry room with his wife saying, “Boy did you pick the wrong party to bail on and send me instead, I want to have my next birthday here!”

It was a great time, and Logan had a blast. One of the Moms pulled me aside and told me that had she known that the party was going to be this big she would have gotten a better gift. She said, “I didn’t know that this was a cover your plate kind of party… like a wedding.”

Tomorrow is Logan’s actual birthday, his first one in school. He is so excited for his pizza party in his class. Every year I send Jarod’s class  pizza and drinks on his birthday, and now it’s Logan’s turn.

Be well Buddies, I have to get the monkeys up and moving.

“Oh come on Erika, let’s put just a few blonde streaks in your hair.”

This is how it started the other day, when my friend suggested a mini-makeover. So like an ass I let her do it.

I did not end up with blonde streaks, I ended up with orange streaks…..now when I say orange I mean ORANGE! Like Tropicana Orange Juice kinda orange.

I call Ethan and tell him to pick me up a couple of boxes of red dye on the way home…..you know the kind I always use.

At least he got the brand right! Like an ass (again) I just open the boxes and slap it on my head, not noticing that instead of the deep auburn that I normally use, he picked up strawberry blonde!

So now my head is completely orange, with the exception of the orange streaks that were already there, which are now pink! The best way I can describe this new look is Strawberry Shortcake on crack!

This would be why I am typing this with a very dark red dye sitting on my hair. Hopefully it will not all break off, and will take the color properly….who knows, with the way my luck has been it could turn out blue.

Lastnight my crazy hair and I had one hell of a night. I almost punched one of the waitresses. I really hate that moment when my adult self takes over and stops me from going insane on someone.

I used to have a coffee mug that defined stress as the moment when your brain over-rides your instint to beat the shit out of someone who really deserves it.

Anyway, she got really smart with me in front of the entire dining room, and then had the nerve to scream at me in the kitchen for correcting her. she was given her final warning, if she mouthes off to someone else she’s gone.

I really wanted to hit her! I hate being the adult…..what I really wanted to do was to rip her head off, but I’m not going to engage with her on that level.

Other than that work was crazy and busy and fun lastnight. I worked until 4am so I will be able to go to Logan’s school today, and I will have just enough time to come home, shower, change, and be late for work this evening.

Uh-oh, it’s almost time to wash my hair out…..wish me luck Buddies. I’m way to old to pull off this kind of color and pretend it’s a punk, anti-establishment statement. I just look like a soccer Mom gone bad!

This whole working Mom thing is becoming a little harder than I had initially anticipated. I knew that it was going to be a juggling act, but damn……

So I get a phone call tonight from Logan’s teacher wanting to know if I can do the classroom snack shopping tomorrow morning. They insist on giving the kids those little bottles of water everyday, instead of refilling them. There are just 100 kindergardeners in total, so four cases of water barely covers one day.

“Just get as many as you can manage, Erika.” As many as I can manage? I don’t know if any of you have had the pleasure of wheeling 20 cases of water on a piece of shit dolly through a school…but let me tell you, it’s a real pain in the ass!

Then she asked if I can be there Friday from 11-3:45pm to help with their activities called “Big Stations” basically it’s a craft day for the kids. Now, I am scheduled to work 5pm-2am on Thurs, then on Friday I’m scheduled from noon-2pm(for paperwork) and then back from 6pm-2am again.

The only possible way I can make this work is to stay there until 4am Thurs night to be able to pull this off on Friday. I wanted to tell her that I would get on that as soon as I am done walking on water, but that would have been rude.

Did I mention that Logan’s birthday party is Oct 13th, and that I am so far behind on party planning that it would take an hour for the light form ’screwed’ to get to me?

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

As if all of that wasn’t enough, Ethan is driving me crazy!

Every spare moment (she says in a very sarcastic tone) that I have, he want to spend having these deep conversations about our feeling and the state of our relationship…….translation: I miss you. When will you be home? Who do you talk to at work? Do you miss me? I know you’re tired honey, but it’s been a while. I could get a sitter and just come and watch you work…..

He is driving me nuts!

On a good note I’ve lost another 3lbs. Normally that would be cause for a celebration, but Ethan is taking it as even more of a threat.

“I’m really happy for you honey, but it seems like every time you leave the house you look better.”

Any advice? Anyone?

If you need a good laugh, check out YouTube under ‘Mom song to the William Tell overture’

You know, if someone would have just told me that the key to losing weight at a break-neck pace was to work 80hrs a week, I would have done it years ago.

So far for the week I have lost another 5.5lbs. I am quite literally running my ass off!

I love my job, I don’t know how else to say it….I love my job.

My house is a mess, and Ethan is barely speaking to me, but I guess that is to be expected. OK, here’s the thing..

Ethan is by nature a jealous man, not psycho boil your rabbit kind of jealous, but more of a passive aggressive kind of pissy jealous.

I work with a man that is almost a carbon copy of one of my best male friends. He looks, acts, laughs, talks, etc just like my dear friend. Now Ethan can tollerate my friend because he lives 200 miles away, and our contact is limited to phone calls and maybe a weekend visit once a year. This new guy however, is giving him fits.

He is very flirtatious, and I really enjoy seeing him on a daily basis, it is driving Ethan insane. I suppose that after 8 years of me always being home, it has to be a real shock to his system to have me out in the real world again. Especially in an atmosphere that is charged with liquor and for a great many of the customers the entire purpose of the place is to find someone to sleep with.

Ethan is not a happy camper. did I mention that he works very closely with mostly all women? He works on the corporate side of a high end chain of hair salons. so he is surrounded by bleached blondes with boob jobs all day long. I guess that shoe isn’t feeling quite right on the other foot.

Am I a horrible person because on some level I am enjoying the fact that the tab;es have turned?

Our next project for the bar is to start a karaoke night once a week….me taking lead along with the DJ as the host for the evening.

Here’s one of the crazy bar stories you guys asked for…..

Lastnight the jukebox is bumping and we are all singing along to Papa Was a Rolling Stone. A “gentleman” at the bar with 2 of his buddies calls to me as I walk past and says…..

OK wait, I will try my best to censor what he said while still getting the point across…

He very loudly told me that he was having a physical “reaction” to my singing voice. I believe the words “___ as a rock” were used as well as the statement, “Who needs Viagra, when we’ve got you?”

He went on to tell me that if he continued to listen to me sing he may have the secondary “reaction” that usually follows the first. Then handed me a fistfull of $1 bills to play more songs on the jukebox, including Al Green.

I handed him back his money and told him that I while would gladly pay for the song, he should probably keep his money for the dry cleaning he would eventually need.

He promised he would be back tonight to see me……lucky me!

Should you want the non-PG13 version of this or many others just let me know. I can tell you this though, if I hear that Crazy Bitch song one more time I’m going to scream.

For those of you not familiar with this little ditty, the chorus goes like this….

Hey you’re a crazy bitch~but you f*** so good I’m on top of it~and I dream of doing you all night…..

Charming isn’t it? Musically it is really a catchy tune, until you realize what they are singing. It’s the most played song in the joint.

Anyway, I’m off. I have just enough time to do some laundry before I have to go back to work until close.

I’ll check back with you all sometime tomorrow.

PS. Hey Dawn, if you want a new picture why don’t you come out for the weekend and take one your damned self.

Yup, that’s right….7 pounds!

How did I do it you ask? Well once my hours at the restaurant were totalled up I clocked in at 86.5 hours for the week. I am exhausted, but you know what? I love my job.

It’s hard work, both mentally and physically, but I haven’t had this much fun in I don’t know how long.

I even got to bartend for the 1st time in my entire life this weekend. We were getting slammed so I had to jump behind the bar and help. It was a hoot, considering that I had not one clue what I was doing.

I basically ended up doing stand up comedy for the customers, so I could distract them from the fact that I was winging it. Each night I made the real bartender an extra $70-$80 in tips.

I found out from my friends, the owners, that I am apparently the talk of the bar. People keep telling them how much they like me and that they will be coming back to see me.

The one woman who waitresses/bartends told me (now keep in mind that she weighs 60lbs soaking wet and it is amazing that she doesn’t tip over due to the boob job on that tiny little frame) “The men here love you Erika, all I keep hearing is how sexy and pretty and funny you are….you’re so lucky.”

How freaking funny is that?

I love to observe people, and let me tell you, this job is a people watcher’s dream. You would not believe some of the things I have seen and heard this week. I can honestly tell you that I have never in my entire life ben propositioned so many times in one night.

I made the mistake of singing along with the jukebox while I was behind the bar this Saturday, and the word spread through the place like wild fire that I could sing. So I ended up with a bunch of drunken men stuffing money into the machine yelling, ” Hey red, come this for me….do you know this one? ”

Again, I am having so damned much fun that I almost feel guilty getting paid for this.

Things on the home front are not going quite as smoothly. We’ve got a real role reversal thing happening here, and Ethan is not a happy camper. To be perfectly honest, he is becoming so clingy that I am ready to kill him.

I came home Saturday to chower and change before going back to work, and he hits me with….

You didn’t even notice that I cleaned upstairs and did the laundry! 

He’s becoming a desperate housewife! Then he calls me on my cell at midnight and the conversation goes like this..

Hi honey whatcha doing? ( remember, it’s a full bar on a Saturday night and it’s loud as hell )

I’m working, what’s up?

I just wanted to let you know that I made Green Bean Casserole

Ok…why?

Because you like it.

Well yeah, at Thanksgiving. ( insert the voice of a drunken man screaming ‘Hey red, come sing for me baby’

Who the hell was that?

A customer, I have to go. Thank you for the green beans.

You’re welcome, are you going to eat it when you get home?

We’ll see, but I have to go I’m getting slammed. (Another man’s voice…’Hey red, is that you’re boyfriend? That lucky SOB’)

Do you need me to come down there and straighten that guy out?

No! I’m fine but I have to go.

Fine, I just thought you would appreciate that I made you dinner. Just try to remember that you are married.

I may have to kill him soon. I’m actually off today, and I get to go to Michael’s and get fall decorations for the restaurant. I can’t wait to hang them tomorrow.

Be well Buddies, I’ll check back after I get the monsters off to school.

Hello all, sorry I haven’t been here in a few days…things have been crazy!

Work is going very well, but I think I may just have to put a cot in the back and live there. I’m now sure the previous owners ever cleaned. The place was filthy. All this week we have been power/deep cleaning, clearing out the clutter, and painting…hell we even knocked down a wall.

As soon as the kids are on the bus I go to work, around 9:15am until 3:30pm when I come home to get the kids. I have just enough time to shower, prep dinner, do homework, and then it’s been back to work once Ethan get’s home around 5:30pm and I have been there until 2am every night so far.

I’ll do that today as well and then Fri-Sat-Sun I will be working 3pm - 3am. It won’t always be like this, but it will be for the next couple of weeks or until the place is properly cleaned and organized.

Monday was fun, I had to jump in and help in the kitchen, the food order came late so there was no prep work done and the staff was getting slammed. One person in particular was barking orders at me until a waitress introduced herself and asked if I was the new kitchen help. I told her, ‘Actually I’m the new manager here,  I’m just jumping in to help.’

Those barked orders changed from “Get this” to “could you please?” and “thank you so much for your halp” very quickly. I also found out that anytime the old owner had to help the wait staff or bartenders she took half of their tips. Can you believe that?

It’s no wonder they looked a little upset that I was getting drink orders and helping to clear the tables.

I haven’t really been 100% on the low carb front, I haven’t had time to sit down and have a real meal all week..too tired or too busy, so there have been moments where I have just grabbed a handful of crackers or something to keep me from fainting.

I’m not even almost concerned, judging by how sore I am, I’m sure I have worked off any calories I have put in my mouth. Once things settle down and I am on a normal schedule I will be able to get back to a real eating plan. I know I have lost weight this week, I can feel it.

Ethan is getting a whole new perspective on what I do around here, and yes the house is a mess. The kids seem to be adjusting fairly well…probably because Ethan is so overwhelmed that they are getting much more video game/tv time than they are used to.

I took a minute the other afternoon and went clothes shopping. I can honestly say that I haven’t gone shopping for multiple grown up outfits in years…man that was fun. I needed things to wear for work, and I did pretty well on the sales.

So that’s what is happening here. I should be able to check up on blogs tomorrow, I miss you guys!

PS   Dawnie, it’s nice to see you’re back. You doin’ ok?

Today is the first day in a new chapter of my life.

Yesterday was the last day I could honestly call myself a Stay at Home Mom, because today I start my new job.

This will be the first time in 8 years that I have held a job outside the home, and I am freaking out! I am terribly excited but very apprehensive as well….I really don’t want to screw this up.

You see this is not just a job to me, it’s an invitation to be an very active player in my friend’s dream of running his own successful restaurant. I take that responsibility very seriously, and it is a bit overwhelming.

I fear that things will fall apart at home, and more importantly, that I will no longer be able to pull off all the little extra things my kids have become accustomed to.

I fear what this new found more independent life will do to my marriage. Don’t get me wrong, Ethan is being totally supportive, but for a very long time my home and family have been my entire world. I sit here today knowing that their will be an entirely new group of people waiting for me that I will build friendships with and become invested in their lives.

I think that’s why I have been struggling with emotional eating so much over the last couple of months, zipping up that protective fat suit in the insane subconcious belief that it will insulate me from the big, bad world I am getting ready to enter again.

I am happy to report that I have been 100% on my low carb plan for the last week, I know that if I am going to be able to pull this off I need to feel good physically…and I always have more energy without the carbs in my system. I weighed and measured myself this morning, and I’m not sure what I weigh. I got a different number everytime.

I had said before that I needed to buy a new scale, but never did. That is also on my to-do list for the day.

I need to go shopping for some clothes that I can wear to work. As the manager I am expected to wear things that fall into the buisness semi-casual zone. I have maybe 4 outfits that fit that bill, the majority of the clothes I have purchased over that last few years were more of the ‘I won’t embarrass myself if I wear this to the grocery store’ variety. 

So here I sit, looking at the clock, saying those words that I haven’t said in 8 years……I have to start getting ready for work soon.  Man that sounds weird.

Wish me luck guys, I’m going to need it.

Every family has one, you know that miserable old person who has managed to outlive all of their more pleasant counterparts. Hence my title…because trust me Buddies after the nukes go off, all that will be left are cockroaches and my great Aunt Dot.

I guessing she is about 197 years old, and she is the meanest old woman you have ever known. She’s been old and mean for as long as I’ve known her. Just evil…..like the kind of evil that creates serial killers and plagues.

The last time I saw her was at a production my brother was in at the Civic Theater. She walked up to me during intermission, in front of about 30 strangers, and said…

 ” I wasn’t sure that was you Erika, everytime I see you your hair is a different color. Honestly Erika, after all of these years I was truly hoping that you would have had your weight under control by now.”

My answer?   ” Well Dot, after all these years I was truly hoping that you would be dead by now!” and I walked away.

So guess who I ran into at the mall yesterday?  Yup, you guessed it….Hitler’s apprentice herself, Evil Aunt Dot.

Keep in mind that as this interaction took place, I was standing at the T-Mobile counter…among 10 other people buying a cell phone. It went some thing like this…..

Erika, is that you? I see that your hair is still that awful red, you look like you’ve lost weight….lose more!

Hello Dot. ( insert eye rolling and a tone dripping with distain )

How are you losing weight? Did you join Weight Watchers or did you have that surgery?

No Dot, just doing it at home. ( keep in mind I am a good 15 lbs heavier now than when I last saw her )

Well, you still need to lose a lot more, how are you doing it?

Well Dot…I’ve found that since I started smoking crack the weight just seems to be falling off. Which is a good thing because my pimp says I would make a lot more money if I was thinner.

Very funny, I see you are still a smart ass. Have you had any more children out of wedlock since I’ve seen you last?

Oh, yeah…..at least 7 more. I figure if I have another one those welfare checks will make me a millionare in no time.

Whatever…you still look thinner, but you have a long way to go.

Actually Dot, I really haven’t lost any weight, you on the other hand have packed on quite a few…that’s probably why I look thinner to you now.

Shouldn’t you be home taking care of your kids right now instead of loitering around the mall? God knows who’s keeping them while you’re out running around.

You’re right Dot, I should get home. By the way, who’s keeping the crypt while you are here?

Try not to eat to much while you’re here.

Watch out for falling houses Dot.

Have I mentioned how very much I hate that bitch?

Many of you know that I have a old friend staying with us. She has been here for a few weeks and probably will be here until the end of the month.

Truth be told, her life is a mess. Mostly because of the actions of her aging, uncaring father and her out of control son. Unfortunately her father and son feed each other’s disfunction, and it has left her trying desperately to contain the behavior of the two…..with no success, and the loss of her spirit and sanity.

Things came to a head between the two of us a week or so ago and we ended up in a helacious screaming match. She had enough time to lick her wounds and feel sorry for herself, and the time to take action had come. It was a tough love moment, and I told her that unless she was ready to do things my way she could leave.

She did, called the next day and apologized, and came back.

It was through her trusting in the fact that I was only concerned for her best interest, and that if the other people in her life were only interested in placating her, they didn’t really love her. I love her enough to tell her the hard truth.

It started with, ‘Quit whining about how none of this is fair’ and ended with ‘Get off you ass and reclaim your life!’

Pain is the result of going against God or fate’s plan for you.

I heard that said years ago, and I never forgot it. Finally she has started believing it and is taking action to put her life back together.

It is astounding how quickly, one after another the pieces of her life are falling back into place. She has found a place to live, with a landlord who dealt with a similar family situation. Her boss at her part-time job offered to loan her the money for her 1st month’s rent.

She is an animal lover, and has a few dogs. She called Action for Animals to look into aid if she is unable to keep them where they are staying ( too many allergies, or they would be here ) and they offered her a job!

Most importantly, she met a man who at first seemed like a possibility. After a few dates he is showing bright red flags of a potential controlling abuser. She walked away! No muss, no fuss….no hoping he would relax or turning a blind eye to the signs. She had enough self-esteem and confidence in her instincts to just walk away. This is huge for her, she has a long list of abusive men in her past.

She told me that maybe I ws her lucky charm…I’m not, it her having the faith in herself to listen to that whisper which tells us to turn left vs right.

Have faith in your instincts dear friends, and faith in your purpose in this life. Take the time to listen to that whisper that is all too often drowned out by the noise of life.

Be well!